Technokayla’s Blog

As cheesy as it is, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about life, and how fragile it is.  Two of Richard’s friends passed away a week ago today, one in a house fire, the other in the hospital later that day.  I only met Daniel a couple of times, and I never met Kayla, but this has still seemed to affect me a lot.  I’ve been thinking a lot about how something that tragic can happen to anyone, and when it does, it affects everyone.  It happens with no warning at all, and then suddenly, two people so dear to so many are just gone.  And it seems as if the whole town was connected to them in some way.  And every single person is dealing with it differently.  Richard keeps his emotions pent up inside him, but you can see that he is sad.  He is more stressed than ever now.  Alex, and even Rick (Daniel’s brother) are dealing with it in a way that seems more like celebrating.  I think that’s good on them.  They have been having parties and drinking as if Kayla and Daniel never left.  It’s a happy thing to see.

I’m not sure how I’m dealing.  I didn’t know them personally, but just thinking about how easily death can sneak up on you has really gotten to me.  For them, it was six thirty in the morning, and it happened so fast they couldn’t make it out.  That is the scariest thing in the world to me.  I’m really thinking now that Richard and I should write up a will, or make it known what we want to happen to Aden if we were to be so suddenly taken away.  It’s not like we have any money to worry about, only Aden.  Right now, all I want to do it live life to the fullest.  I want to not worry about money anymore.  I only want to do the things I have always wanted to do, because you never know when it might be too late.  I know that’s not possible and it’s not going to happen, but that’s what I would love to do.  That’s how I would love to deal with this.  Life is too precious to waste.

I can’t believe it’s already September, and summer is over.  More importantly, I can’t believe Aden is going to be six months old in six days.  Has it really been six months since my little boy came into the world?

And speaking of coming into the world, Jiggaboo had her kittens today!  Finally!  She’s been getting bigger and bigger for weeks now, and after seeing her waddling around yesterday, I figured it couldn’t be much longer.  She had four kittens.  The first one came sometime this morning after Richard took us home.  It was breech, so Richard’s parents had to pull it out.  It’s a little grey one.  They were worried it would die, but Jiggaboo started cleaning it and it started breathing.  I’m not sure of the order the rest of them came in, but there is also a black one (who looks like it has some brown in it too), a white one like Jiggaboo, and an orange one.  I’m not sure of the gender of each of them.  Richard says I get to pick which one we want first (other than the white one, because it’s been claimed since Jiggers got knocked up).  I have no idea which one I want!

We still haven’t found a place.  I’m getting really sick of living separately.  The last three weeks we’ve been going back and forth: Richard picks us up after work, we stay over night and he takes us home in the morning.  It’s exhausting and lacks a routine.  Well, I guess it is sort of a routine, but a very stressful one.  Richard swears it will only be two more weeks, because then it’ll be payday and he’ll have some extra money from overtime.  I don’t know.  I’ll probably go insane if we have to live separately for much longer.  Both of our families are driving me up the wall.  I do have faith in him, though, even if nobody else does.  He thinks something will just fall into our hands, and I hope he’s right.

Things are going… alright.  I think that’s the best I can put it.  They’re not fantastic, but at the same time I guess it could really be worse… right?

 It’s August now, and we’re still living separately.  We needed another month.  Of course, at this point I’m hoping it really is just another month.  I know this is the best thing we could do right now, but it still sucks not living with Richard.  Not only that, but he’s been working as much overtime as he can, which doesn’t leave much time (even on weekends) for him to see us.  We try and make time to see each other as much as we can, but with all the work he’s doing and all the sleep I’m losing we’re both so tired all the time.

Last weekend was probably one of the best ones we’ve had since we moved.  It was a long weekend, and we spent the entire time with Richard.  We were planning on getting away for a night and staying in a hotel, but that plan fell through.  Even so, the weekend was awesome.  Aden was so happy most of the time–he usually is when he gets to spend time with his dad.

We went over there for a visit after work today, which Richard loved.  I figured a nice mid-week visit would be just perfect for the three of us, and I was right.  I think we’ll make it a weekly thing, weather permitting, of course, since we’ll usually walk.  It’ll really cheer Richard up and help him through the rest of the week, I think.

Aden’s getting so big now.  I can’t believe he’ll be five months old in three days.  He amazed me every day.  He’s learned how to get around on his own.  It’s not quite a crawl, but he can move pretty fast.  He looks more like he’s lost an arm and a leg in a war and he’s crawling to safety.  He started eating rice cereal a couple weeks ago, and last weekend we started him on beginner baby food.  The carrots were a big hit, but he wasn’t a fan of the waxed beans (which was okay with us, because we’re not fans either).  I can’t believe how grown up my little boy is getting to be!

What a month it’s been.  It’s the twenty fourth, which means it’s almost time for us to be out of the condo.  We’re planning on moving the boxes, and ourselves, to our parents’ houses on Friday, moving all the big things on Saturday, and cleaning the place on Sunday.  Not much is packed, other than Aden’s things, which means we have a lot to do this week.  I hate packing, but I’d much rather pack up me and Aden’s things than have Richard do it his way (his way being throwing things into a box or garbage bag).  I guess we’ll have it all done, little by little, before the weekend.  I really wish we didn’t have to go to separate houses, but it’s the only way things are going to work.  I’m still trying to be optimistic about it, but it’s only getting harder.  I keept telling myself and Richard that it’s only for a month, we can handle it… blah, blah, blah.

I’m excited for next Tuesday though.  It’s Canada Day!  One of my most favourite days!  I’m not super patriotic or anything… I’ve just been looking forward to dad’s BBQ since I missed it last year!  And obviously I’m excited because it’s Aden’s first one.  I don’t know who’s more excited about Aden’s first parade: me or Wendy.  It’s supposed to rain that day, which is pretty crappy, but we’ll live.  After all, it’s BBQ, rain or shine!

One more thing.  Blair’s dad died over the weekend.  It’s still hard to believe.  He had pretty bad cancer, and it took a major turn for the worst.  I didn’t know him very well, and he really seemed to resent me when I got pregnant, but he was still a great guy.  It’s just so sad that something so bad can just… happen to people.  I know, people die all the time, but it just sometimes feels like it shouldn’t happen to people around you, especially not when they’re still young.  I never know what to say in a situation like this.  I’m doing my best, but I feel like I’m going to mess up and say something I shouldn’t.  What a hard time Blair must be having… I can’t imagine.

We looked at the townhouse again yesterday, this time with Hannah and Russ.  They thought it was a pretty awesome place, and, obviously, so do I.  I hope we get it, but I’m really, really trying not to get my hopes up.  Sometimes I just can’t help it!

 I’m not looking forward to moving at all.  I want out of this place so bad, but moving is so hectic, and I really hate to make Richard do the whole thing, but I’m afraid I won’t be much help with Aden around.  It so crappy that we have to split up our little family for the time-being, but we really don’t have another choice.  Richard knows that I won’t go back to his parents’ house and it wouldn’t be fair making him go to mine.  We both get that.  I just hope my parents remember that they said Aden and I can go stay there.  They’re both pretty good at forgetting things.  And, if we get that place, it’ll only be until the beginning of August at the very latest, so by the time we get everything moved and stored away, it’ll only be a month we have to stay there.  Of course, even if we don’t get the townhouse we’ll still look for a place we can get into August first (but I am soooo hoping we get the townhouse).

It’s weird, actually.  I can’t really see myself living in the townhouse, as much as I love the place.  Actually, I couldn’t really see us living in this place either, when we first saw it.  But here we are.  I remember when I was younger, I could see myself doing something, and I could feel whether it was really going to happen or not.  But since my life has been turned completely upside-down, it’s not really like that anymore.  Every day is a surprise.  And, when it comes to the townhouse, I hope we get a really good surprise.  I hope we can find out sooner, rather than later, if we actually get the place.

Well, overall this May long was a pretty good one.  And for once, it didn’t rain!  In fact, it was smokin’ hot outside all weekend!

We went up to Vegreville to visit some of Richard’s family up there.  We stayed with his sister, her husband, and their six-year old daughter, Jade, as usual.  It was certainly a lot of excitement for Aden!

We got pretty lucky with Aden… he was amazing on the drive up there.  He slept pretty much the entire time, but we stopped at Edmonton to feed and change him.  He probably wouldn’t have gotten fussy at all if we hadn’t stop, but I figured we should probably stop anyway.  I think Saturday was probably the most exciting day for him.  He got to meet pretty much all his relatives up there.  He ate [i]a lot[/i] that day, probably because it was so hot outside.  It was about thirty one degrees out!  And, of course, he got passed around and around between relatives.  It was nice once they all left and it was just us, and Richard’s sister’s family.  Sunday was just sort of a quiet day, which was good because it was chillier and windy most of the day.

 On Monday we went to Sherwood Park to go swimming for the first time!  Aden seemed a little unsure at first, but he got used to it.  He doesn’t hate water, so that’s good.  We managed to stay in the pool for 45 minutes and it probably would have gone longer if Aden didn’t get hungry.  We’ll have to go swimming again soon, for sure!  The ride home was long… we just wanted to get home.  Luckily we didn’t have to stop at all, because I fed him right after swimming.  The roads were certainly crowded all the way home.  I’m just glad we weren’t going North!  There were two crashes about five minutes apart, going North!  Those people probably took about twice as long to get where they were going, thanks to those crashes!

We were definitely glad to get home, and I’m pretty sure Aden was too (even though I’m not enjoying our lack of air conditioning in this place).  Of course, now I’ve got to do all the unpacking today… but I’m just so tired!!!

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Well, yesterday was pretty exciting!  It was around three fifteen or so, and this loud beeping just starting happening.  I was in the middle of a Mario Kart Wii race, so at first I thought it was the game, but no… then I thought it was the washing machine, but no, not that either… then I realized it was the fire alarm!  I peeked in the bedroom where the alarms are, and sure enough, that’s what it was.  I started to panic a little.  I grabbed Aden and then I couldn’t think of what to do next.  So I grabbed my cell phone and a blanket my sister made for him, since it was probably the warmest one and I wasn’t sure how nice it was outside (and Aden had no pants on!).  I didn’t even think to grab the diaper bag, and I totally forgot that we had cats!  I’m pretty amazed at how quickly we made it downstairs, especially with my achy stomach muscles and carrying a twelve-pound baby.  When we got downstairs I saw all these people with their dogs and cats and that’s when I remembered that we have cats!  I felt kind of bad, but I realized that there’s no way I could have shoved both cats in the little cat carrier and carried twenty pounds of cat, plus twelve pounds of Aden, and a diaper bag!  A lady downstairs offered to hold Aden so I could go get his diaper bag.  So I ran upstairs and grabbed it, and a sweater.  It was a pretty nice day out, but cloudy, so it was a little chilly at times.  I’m just glad it wasn’t snowy!  There was no smoke or anything coming out of the building, so it didn’t look like anything was going on.

Richard came home then, and scooped Aden and I up from our little spot.  We couldn’t go anywhere, since the car seat was upstairs, so we just went to the end of the building to the visitor parking.  There were firefighters coming out of the underground parking, so I guess something must have happened there.  People started going back in the building, so we did too.  Sure enough, the sprinklers had gone off in the underground parking.  We wondered if they’d gone off upstairs as well… that would have been awful, with the Wii and the laptop around.  It didn’t look like anything had happened though, not anything big anyway.  Luckily they didn’t go off upstairs.

So I’m just a little freaked out now, about what I would do in the case of an actual fire.  I’d feel awful if I couldn’t take the cats, or if I forgot something important upstairs.  Richard has said that Aden is priority, so as long as he and I got out safely everything would be okay… but I still can’t imagine how awful that would be!  All I can do is just hope it doesn’t happen, or if it did, that Richard would be here and I wouldn’t be alone.

I was totally right about Mother’s Day.  Richard made me breakfast, but I don’t think he was really intending on it until I started to get a little upset on Friday or Saturday.  The only time he even said happy Mother’s day was after coming to bed around three in the morning after going out with an ex-whatever-you-want-to-call-it.  And it sounded more like a guilty “happy Mother’s day” than anything.  Yeah, I got pretty upset about the whole thing… but I’m not even sure he thought getting upset was a reasonable thing.  He could have at least got me a card, I think… not like I need anything big.  It wasn’t an issue of money either, because he got his mom a gift and he even offered to pay for a card for my mom and my step mom.  A little recognition would have been nice on my first Mother’s Day.  Am I in the wrong here?  I don’t think so.  If there’s anything in the world that could make me feel like a bad mom, not giving me any recognition on Mother’s Day would be it.  Sure he made breakfast, but by the time he got his hung over self out of bed, it was about ten thirty and I was starving, since I’d been up since seven and hadn’t eaten.  Ugh.

Anyway… we went out and bought a crib mattress the other day.  We put Aden in his own room and Friday night, and for the first time ever he slept through the night!  It was amazing!  Of course, we slept on the single mattress that’s in his room… ha ha.  That was even Richard’s idea, not mine… I think I would have been fine having him in his own bed without us in there.  He woke up around five on Saturday night and last night, but he’d probably sleep all night if we put him in bed later.  We put him in bed around nine.  Sometimes it takes a little while for him to fall asleep, but once he does he’s usually asleep until he’s hungry, and even then he’s pretty drowsy when I take him out of his crib.  He hasn’t quite mastered the art of putting himself to sleep, so if he’s not asleep by the time his little rainforest shuts off, he gets a little fussy.  We’ve been rolling onto his stomach when he gets fussy and he usually sleeps very well after that.  Sure, it’s recommended that you put babies on their backs now, but Aden never tries to sleep face down.  You know your baby better than books do, so really it’s all about them, not about what the books say you should do. 

We’re going up to Vegreville this long weekend… our first trip away with Aden!  It should be alright… Richard’s family up there doesn’t annoy me nearly as much as his family down here.  We’ll be staying with his sister’s family, so I know it’ll be a pretty good time.  And we know Aden sleeps every time we put him in the car, so it should be a pretty easy trip there.  And hopefully we can time his meals just right on Friday so that we don’t have to stop for a feed on the way.  Probably won’t get that lucky, be we can still hope.

It all started back in the summertime when we found out I was pregnant.  I told all my closest friends (obviously) and, to make the story short and sweet, I was shocked when a few of them decided they no longer wanted to be my friend.  They all made excuses as to why our friendship was no longer important to them.  Of course, none of their reasons had anything to do with the baby… in reality, we (we being me, Richard, and the friends I’ve still got) all know me having a baby is the real reason.  I was obviously upset at first.  We’d all been good friends all through high school and I never would have thought something like that would break us apart.  I got over it though, and to this day it’s not something I think about often.  Sure, I think about some good memories, but it’s not something I really miss.  After all, I’ve got Aden now, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything.  In the end I knew who my real friends were, and at least I’m lucky enough to still have a few of them.

Anyway, one of those friends I’ve still got, Blair (who is probably my best friend since then), is celebrating her twentieth birthday next month.  I’ll just say now that I would really hate to be in her shoes.  The poor girl is caught in the middle of it all, and it’s probably awful to be in her position.  I think all she really wants is for us all to be friends again.  Sure, it would be nice if the little falling out never happened, but it did… and I probably won’t have relationships with any of those former friends again.  So she sent us all a facebook message inviting us to her birthday party; whether we get along or not.  My RSVP was something I didn’t have to think twice about.  I told her I won’t be going, and I hope she can understand my reasons.  I figure we’ll have to go out for a drink or something on another night.  Everytime I go onto facebook, I have that thread in my inbox, with a new response from someone else.  I won’t be going, no matter what… but it’s so sad to me that I can’t!  I wouldn’t want to put anyone in an awkward position, you know?  I’m not entirely sure how those former friends feel about me now, but I’m sure they aren’t good feelings anyway.  Especially from one person in particular… I guess she had some rotten opinions about everybody (and frankly, it pleases me that the place where she works is going out of business).  I do feel sorry for Blair, though, having to choose.  I know she’d love for everything to be set right again.  I don’t want to be friends with any of those people anymore… but I do want Blair to be happy!  I know she wants to go to the bar later in the night… maybe I’ll get lucky and the particular people who I’m no longer friends with won’t do that (those people were never big on bars anyway), and I might still be able to partake in the celebration!

Sigh…

I’m not too sure about this whole Mother’s Day thing. I’m not sure if I’m excited or what… or if I should even bother thinking about it. After all, I don’t even know if Richard’s going to remember it this weekend. Obviously I can’t rely on Aden remembering, since he is only two months old. So, I don’t know… should I really look forward to it? I know I won’t be getting a present or anything… that tends to not happen very often when there’s no money. I guess I’m trying to not get excited, but honestly, I’ll probably be pretty bummed when Richard doesn’t even acknowledge the day. I know I said “when” instead of “if”… I suppose I don’t have too much faith that he will remember it. All these Mother’s Day-related commercials on TV get me thinking… do I even do anything to deserve some recognition on that day? I don’t really feel like I’m a good mom. All I really am to Aden is food; or at least that’s how I feel sometimes. Well, that, and company during the day. It’s not like I’m a super-busy, really awesome mom of the year or anything. I’m not really a multi-tasker… I don’t get anything done during the day when Richard’s at work. I haven’t cooked since Aden was born, and the house has been a mess for the last two months. I’m no Super Mom. Plus, I’m only nineteen… I feel like Mother’s Day isn’t really something I should be celebrating, even though I am a mom. Oh, great… another Mother’s Day commercial. Anyway… don’t get me wrong. I’d love to be able to be an awesome mom who’s totally deserving of the best Mother’s Day gifts, but I don’t think I ever will be. Maybe I should just let it go and forget about it… and wait until Aden’s in elementary school where they’ll make silly little crafts that only a mom could love and keep forever…