What’s in a name?

 I often ask myself that question because I wonder, does a name truly define a person on a metaphysical level? Does it help…shape the sort of person you could become, the way some tend to believe that your horoscope can predict the path your life will take?

What if you had a name, and you went through life feeling that somehow it was wrong? That you should have been named something else? I mean if we were to take Angelina Jolie and rename her something like, Mildred Schmitz … I don’t think she’d appear quite the same.

Being a writer, and now pregnant, names are constantly circling around in my mind. The only problem, is I can’t seem to think of any girls names (none that are realistic and practical to use for my little baby girl soon to be born).

I want something with depth, with meaning and character…and one that doesn’t sound too outlandish like “Sage Moonblood” which is what Sylvester Stallone named his little girl. *sigh* Poor thing.

 I’ve always loved the name Sorsha, but I just envision people teasing her relentlessly on the school playground, or as she gets older have them screaming out “WILLOW!”, but what most people don’t know is that Sorsha/cha is a Celtic name that means Bright or Fiery.

 I always thought it was just so pretty.

 Aside from that one, I’ve been stumped. Either I like a something, and I know someone else who has a little girl with that name, or there is someone I know personally (and may despise) so the name is now tainted. There is nothing more annoying then naming your child and always being reminded of a person you loathe.

I can’t believe it.

I bought a house. I actually bought a house. Well, I’m in the early stages but the offer was accepted and the price finalized. Now all that we’re waiting on is the home inspection and legal mumbo jumbo. But other then that, I am on my way to becoming a home owner for the first time ever. Eeeeeek!

And at 23. Not too shabby

Gary is psyched that I am psyched and I think he finds all of my bubbly enthusiasm and sudden interest in interior decorating to be adorably niave. He’s pretty much a vetran in this department.

Its a cute little place that is just screaming but a few coats of good paint plus some TLC. But I am just so happy. Its mine. Well, ours. But its in my name so - its miine - mwhahahahahaha *grin*

 Now all of a sudden all I want to watch are decorating shows and look at paint samples. I am so excited that I have a little project to do to keep me focused while I am home alone on Mat leave.

 On another note, my clothes are noticeably snug on the midriff. Today I couldn’t button up my pants after lunch so they’re undone and carefully hidden under a long sweater, but I guess this only can mean one thing: time to break out the maternity attire.

 Oh. Damn. And I will need a new winter coat. Mine won’t work for much longer. Oh the joys of pregnancy

I knew I was pregnant, 3 months without a period - hello - pregnant!

But it is true when they say that seeing is definately believing. I had my first ultrasound on October 1st and the experience was probably one of the most surreal moments in my life. The moment the little wiggling, squiggling figure filled the screen it took all of my strength not to get misty eyed.

 Gary got a little choked up too but I think we were both trying to put on a strong front for the other. Don’t know why though …

Now I have a tiny little photo of something that doesn’t quite look like a baby - but will be, one day, to look at to my hearts content. I never thought I would feel so…excited by the prospect of becoming a mother. I always thought, after practically raising my little sister and seeing the hassle my sister goes through with two children, that I wouldn’t ever want to be a mother. But I am, and I do.

I also, if I did wind up having kids, thought that I wanted only girls. But again, I guess reality and present circumstances have a way of changing one’s perspective. Now, it doesn’t matter in the slightest bit to me. Naturally Gary would love to have a boy (as all men want their boy) but in the end he would be happy regardless. I think he’s just thrilled that he’s finally going to be a daddy.

 He is going to make a wonderful father too.

 Already he’s talking to my itty bitty baby bump. And he’s been so incredibly attentive and supportive. Whenever I am having a ”bad” day, especially, he’ll make sure I am more then taken care of. He’s absolutely wonderful and I couldn’t possibly ask for anyone better to spend my life with then him.

It’s funny because we started out as the best of friends and developed the most amazing friendship and now that we’re together as a couple we’ve bonded in such a way that I don’t think it would have been possible if we hadn’t of been friends first. He knows me probably better then I know my self at times.

Gary and this baby are my two greatest blessings in this life.  

Oh man.

When I read in my bible aka: What to Expect When You Are Expecting, about fatigue and feeling tired and run down, I didn’t really picture feeling this lethargic. If I sleep for 8 hours, I wake up feeling tired. If I don’t get enough sleep then I am like the walking dead. It seems that no matter what I do, I feel tired.

 Oh, and now I’ve noticed the mood shifting gears as well. The other day there was a bit of a blow up at work where I dealt with a difficult situation. It left me searing mad for a good hour and a half. Later that evening I had a TIFF Gala event to attend, something that I had been looking forward to for nearly a month, and suddenly (because I was so t’d off) I no longer held any interest in going to the function.

But, I sucked it up and went anyway but every now and then I felt myself being pulled out of the festivities and into a funk where I wanted nothing more then to rant and rave to my hearts content about how pissed off I was. Definately not like me at all.

My twin sister, whom I had invited to attend the function with me, even noticed my sour mood which popped up from time to time. I felt pretty bad about that, but since she’s preggers to I figure she’d understand.  

I can’t wait for this first trimester to be over.

Well, in two days from now I will be moved from my desk to the cover the EA for the CEO of the company for a grand total of three weeks.

 O. M. G.

 The man is like a petulant two year old when he doesn’t get his way … or just because. I’ve spent the last two weeks having periodical sit down sessions with Tracy, going over all the do’s and don’ts about being the assitant to Mr. CEO. I have never seen anyone so finiky in all my life.

The man is just ridiculous. Depending on what city he’s in or traveling to there is a specific car service that must be used, as well as class of vehicle. It must be parked in a specific location for him and depending on the circumstances the driver may or may not address him by name. When flying to…lets say London, I have to remember that Air Canada’s business class is better then that with British Airways (according to him). However he always wants First Class (not always available with Brit. Air). Therefore if FC is available with Brit. Air then we take Brit. Air over Air Can. If not, then we take business class with Air Can over Brit. Air.

Then, depending on the type of airplane (read that carefully - the TYPE, as in the model of plane), then there are certain seats that he will only sit in. Anything else is unacceptable.

What was I smoking when I agreed to cover her desk? I haven’t worked under any of the executive’s in the company and while I was planning on transitioning into the EA role very soon, I hadn’t expected this. Working for Mr. CEO could turn out to be a ginormous nightmare.

 To add to this equation, I am taking some night classes for Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 6:30 - 9:30pm.

And as of Friday, Ms. Morning Sickness decided to rear her nauseating head. I still can’t seem to shake this chronic fatigue which has me fighting the urge to drop my head on my desk (especially from 2 - 4pm).

Oh, and as the icing on the cake, a woman at work has decided to wage war with me out of jealousy after discovering the news about Gary and I having a baby. Apparently, she wanted him for herself.

What do they say? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…. does that apply just to men, or other women too? I suppose I will find out soon enough.

It amazes me to see just how many people seemed to have figured out that I was pregnant before I even knew myself - or before I had even got around to spreading the news for that matter.

 How did they know, pray tell?

Apparently by my very (now) perky boobs. While I have noticed a subtle difference in them, I really didn’t think it was anything noticeable. I suppose I was wrong on that assumption. The first thing Gary’s mother said when he dropped the bomb when we picked up at the airport after her trip back home to Jamaica was: “Me know! Look at dem boobs. De were nah so perky before I left.”

Gary hasn’t been complaining in the least as well. In fact, his eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas when I sported a low cut shirt the other day. Men are so easy to please, aren’t they?

 This morning, I woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept in a week. This fatigue is getting to be brutal. I hate not having any energy, especially in the morning. Once I get to work I tend to perk up a bit. But that first hour sucks a$$. My twin sister has confirmed that she is 2 months and 3 days pregnant which puts her a whole three weeks a head of me like I had predicted.

I think its going to be so cool that we’re having kids at the same time. Although, this will be her third while I am faced with my first. When it comes to pregnancy, labour & kids, she’s a veterine and I am a novice.  But I am excited nonetheless.

I had made a decision about names too. Well, middle names anyway. Gary over the last three years lost two very important people to him. His younger sister and his best friend. So I told him, if we have a boy we’ll give him Devere as his middle name, and if it’s a girl then she will have Ingrid. He got a little teary eyed which was sweet. I thought it would be a nice way to commemorate them both since I know that Gary misses them terribly.

 He will make an excellent father. I am so proud of him and the way he’s adapted to the subtle changes thus far. The fact that my social life has been reduced drastically should have come as more of a shock on his system then it has and I am so incredibly appreciative of his support and understanding.

Toodles!

Well, I have to say I’ve given this quite a bit of thought and I find myself leaning more towards a midwife. Why? Because they provide so much more personal, one on one time you and the baby before and after delivery. Also, my sister had used a midwife with her second pregnancy and she had such a wonderful experience. I think its wonderful that Ontario is finally recognizing midwifery and allowing these women to practice.

My mother had wanted to use a midwife with her second pregnancy, but had opted for a Doula. The only thing different with that is the Doula cannot preform the delivery, the doctors had to step in - and they made a royal  mess of things.

 A midwife has all the same qualifications as a Obgyn but they are much more personal. They are there for you and devoted to only you throughout your labour. It just adds another layer of support and comfort. And since this is my first pregnancy, I need all the support and guidance that I can get :o)  

 My boyfriend Gary had been on a mission when it comes to spreading the good news at the office. Since we both work together and very few people were aware of the fact that we were even dating posed a bit of a problem. However, it all seems to be going over quite smoothly. There were even a few comments along the lines of, “and this is supposed to come as s surprise?” lol. I guess we were a little bit transparent in a feelings for each other.

Oh well, I love my company and I love the people I work with. I knew it wasn’t going to be a negative response, but a part of me still hesitated. But there’s just something about Gary, you can’t help but like him and he definately knows how to talk to people in such a way that in the end they always end up agreeing with him. It’s been cute as well, seeing just how excited and attentive he’s getting.

 Last night I met up with a few of my girl friends, one of them is like an older sister to me and she just had her first baby so we were all talking about experiences and such, she and another new mommy at the table were giving me all kinds of advice. I feel like I’ve started a new chapter in my life and I am not scared of intimidated.

Most people, when I told them, were shocked because I am only 23 and I love to go out and have fun and live life.

They all immediately said, “well, that’s going to have to stop.” I

 don’t think so.

I mean, I know it will have to change, and be toned down. But just because I am going to be a mother doesn’t mean that I have to stop enjoying life. The way they act, its like the world stops spinning, and life ceases to exist beyond the family home. Wtf?

And even though I am young, I always felt like I was ready to settle down much earlier on in life. Its not going to be a sacrifice; I don’t intend to make myself a martyr for the sake of my child.  Life is about maintaining a balance. I plan to be the best mother I can possibly be, but also the best partner I can be to my boyfriend, a daughter to my parents, a sister to my sissy and a loyal friend to my friends. There are so many dimensions to me that I am not going to shut everything down just because I am having a baby.

If I did, I think I would go mad.

Any whooooo - ta ta for now

Hello…*waves*

Well, I must admit, discovering that I was pregnant was a bit of a shock - but a pleasent one I might add. I’ll never forget how it felt when I saw the blue line forming (the wrong way) on the white strip. There I was — faced with a blue plus sign.

 I am pregnant.

 Then I flip over the foil wrapper and see: Expiration date May 14th 2009. It is now August. Oops. That test couldn’t be any good, could it? (Thanks Sissy - my pet name for my sister - for the expired test! :P). So, I do what I assume any woman would do. I bought more tests. Two in fact. So, that night I do the test again, pace the bathroom nervously and TADA!!

 Pregnant.

 But now doubt is still eating at me. Maybe it was a mistake? The other test said positive but it expired so that can’t be right. And this is just one test…it could be wrong to…So I do what any woman would do. I decide to test again. Tomorrow morning.

 So, the next morning, I roll out of bed, creep quietly into the bathroom so as not to wake anyone. I follow the steps for the test, pace back and forth while waiting for the results and … a big dark blue plus sign.

 No dodging this one - I am pregnant.

 Surprisingly enough though, I wasn’t panicked. I wasn’t scared or worried, wondering what was I going to do and how was I going to pull this off. Instead, I was incredibly…giddy and excited. I think I even did a quick victory dance. Then on the ride into work with my boyfriend I was debating the whole way down, do I tell him now? How do I tell him? Do I wait until the end of the day? Do I spring it on him now? Should I take him to dinner and then do the whole ’SURPRISE! you’re going to  be a dad?’

 So many thoughts were whirling around in my head a mile a minute and the whole time I couldn’t stop smiling. After the ride in, I had decided that I would wait. I would see my doctor, get a blood test and confirm my results yet again. However, once we were in the elevator and he gets all mushy it just sort of tumbles past my lips.

“I am pregnant.” First there was a moment of shock and its quickly replaced with joy. Now he did do a victory dance - in the elevator.

 Its been a whirlwing since then. Although, I never realized how many rules there were to follow as far as your health and diet are concerned. So many things that I loved to eat I have to avoid or limit and its quite a drag…at times.

 For example, oysters. I loooooove oysters. But, I am supposed to stay away from anything raw and/or undercooked. Therefore - buh bye Sushi/Sashimi, oysters and medium rare steaks *tears*

 Then there’s coffee and coke. This has been hard as well. God knows I love my Tim Hortons coffee and I am a die hard coke junkie, but Caffene is also a bit of a No No. True, I am allowed in moderation, but I know myself. Once I get the ball rolling, I can’t stop so it’s best to stay away from it all together.

 And they say brown bread is better then white bread, eat so many vegetables and fruits a day, so many rules!

Now don’t get me wrong, I love fruits and veggies - I am not a fussy eater at all. It’s just I’ve never really paid much attention to what I eat before. Now I find myself counting calories, checking lables, deliberately grabbing salads and fresh fruits whenever I get the chance. Googling for prenatal classes, fitness and recipes instead of checking out movie reviews, celebrity gossip and the latest fashion trends.

I’ve only been pregnant for a whole three weeks (only 6 days since I found out) and already I am in full blown ‘I am going to be a mommy’ mode.

 As if adjusting to diet isn’t enough, there is also the strange little quirks that my body is going through as well.

From fatigue, to random fits of nausea and strange (but very mild) little cramps that last two or three seconds then are gone, getting bloated and gasy, experiencing tenderness around my breasts and this constant urge to pee is definately taking some getting used to.

Thank God my baby is so sweet, he’s definately spoiling me rotton. He went out of his way to go grocery shopping for me and stocked our fridge with so much healthy (and green) food, even attempted to make me breakfast - and Lord knows the man can’t cook. It was very touching.

 Then, while cuddled up in bed, he rested his head on my (still flat) stomach; gave my abdomen a light kiss here and there throughout the movie we watched together. Yeah…it definately tugged a few of my heart strings that’s for sure :).

 I would say, thus far, its been an interesting start to this journey - learning to adapt to all the little quirks about pregnancy and already seeing the change a little blue plus sign has made on my life.

It all still feels a little bit surreal. This definately wasn’t a planned pregnancy - but its been a happy and welcomed surprise by us both. I have to say, I am glad that if it had to happen that it did so now during this stage in my life.

 I couldn’t ask for a better partner in life or a man to be the father of my children then my boyfriend.

Toodles!