Reens Beans

I am so happy to be taking my course but I was so nervous about telling my sister in law about it. I don’t know why she intimidates me so much but I feel like a child around her at times. Like I have to explain myself. She watches kids but does not have formal training, as if raising 3 kids of your own isn’t enough training. She wanted to know why I was taking that course, how much, how long had I had that idea in my head and the fact she didn’t think I could run a successful daycare. I mean, this is my family squashing me under their thumb. We were happy for them when they succeed and there is no hard feelings on my part. Maybe I can be jealous of their huge house, their fancy car, and all their money but it isn’t like I don’t want them to have what they have. Everyone lives their own life right? Things don’t buy happiness but it sure makes life easier. I know some day my family will have the things we deserve. We have each other, our health and good laughs, do I need anything else, really?

It is piss pouring rain out tonight.  I love being home with my family during days like today.  Tonight I layed there not being able to sleep but could heart the sweet sounds of my baby daughter breathing and sucking her fingers.  My husbands warm body lie next to me snoring quietly.  It feels likea good night tonight, I feel happy all over.  I wish every night could feel like this.

Ah good news for me. I was accepted into Early Childhood Education through my college and I am also being funded by TSD. I was so convinced it was going to be bad news when I saw the ‘Private Number’ show up on the phone. I was feeding the baby her first taste of sweet potato and my hands were shaking! Once I got the news my entire demeanor changed. I felt calm and cool, more than I have in a long time. I never realised the physical discomfort of being under stress. I wish I could treat myself to a massage, my shoulders are still up around my ears. I will relish in this moment for now and not think of negatives of any kind tonight.

Just came across this site today. Kind of a good place to vent my feelings to no one in particular. An anonymous diary for all the world to see? It gives me a weird pleasure. I am not expecting anyone to read this but what the hell.

I have two kids, a husband, and no identity. I am mom, I am wife, I am housekeeper, I am cook, I am nurse, and the list could go on and on. Sometimes deep down I want to take the day and go hiking, or get scuba diving lessons or learn ballroom dancing. I feel selfish for having these feelings but I need to feel more alive. I know my children need me, at three and a half and five months I know they do. Sometimes I feel like a single parent and since I do not have a job outside of the home all things domestic are left in my lap. At the end of the night I am tired from dealing with potting training, temper tantrums, finding healthy food, dressing and redressing that I do not have energy left to be the goddess of the bedroom. My God I want to read a book in peace.

Am I the only woman in the world who feels this way? I feel like maybe my only purpose in life is to create and raise these little girls (whom I love dearly) and cater to the whims of my 32 year-old-going-on 19 year old husband? Where did I go so wrong? If I had pictured my life when I was younger I would have seen children but I would have seen an independant, confident woman with a career as well as a family. I never imagined I would be so one dimensional.