Years go by -and life  gets in the way of life…we find ourselves alone crying from time to time - unfulfilled dreams are  okay…feeling unfulfilled is not. I am still just me….just lil’ol  me - doing my best (at least I think I am!) sometimes doing even better than that…unnoticed, imperfect…yet still strangely the  same. Expectations may change - but remember that when yours do…so do mine.

How did I fall so far from grace?

Listen – not everyone who has been married for 20-something years still feels that same “zing”, if you will. But that isn’t to say that they all want to end their marriages. They love their husbands – truly, they do. They feel comfortable and safe and it works. But that vivacious gal within…what does she do with herself? She still feels young, creative, free-flowing…but often her mate is so set in the comfort mode that he no longer sees her as the girlfriend he once wooed.

So my mind began to wander to the different 40-something women that I knew – all of whom seem to be on the verge of a new career….is it indeed the timing or are they creating it?

Something for all ladies to ponder.

I remember being hurt by someone 25 years ago – and while my wonderful life which followed led me to believe that I had forgiven…I realized one sleepless night that there was still a bruise on my heart, all these years later I still had not truly forgiven and I wondered suddenly -why I hadn’t slapped an emotional bandaid on and simply moved on – why was I still nursing that bruise – why was I even aware that it was there? Break out the Cover Girl…time to cover it so it doesn’t show anymore. It’s ok to know that it’s there – that’s what helps you help others….but you don’t need to look at it everyday – every week – every month…..it’s just not that important. And then a funny thing happened…it healed! That bruise that had gone from black to blue to green to yellow to…….whatever I was seeing from time to time….disappeared.

I did not Forget – I Forgave and I became Free.

My teenage son just told me to Hush Up.

Yeah – I know, I’m shocked too! I don’t think he was right – maybe he was, in his eyes. But all I was trying to do was share my experience in the few minutes I am occasionally granted by him. I really do, do my best, to respect who he is – what he thinks – where he is….but then again………I have loved and lost, I have loved and won. I’ve won the job of my dreams and I’ve been fired, I’ve had the people who mattered most to be not stand behind me, not support me….and I want him to know that to the very, very best of my ability – I won’t allow this to happen to him. I think that he thinks I’m just a parent talking “old school” talk…but honestly I’m not -I’ve been there and come out the other side – not too worse for wear (or as time tends to heal our wounds)  for the better…I guess…I will never really know. So many dreams not yet realised and yet I do bask in the glory of those that have…

Was I that distrusting at his age? Maybe. Did I think my parents knew nothing (until I had kids of my own) Maybe? I see now how they did the best that they could with what experience and knowledge they had and with what parameters that their generation allowed. My generation allows so much more…and like any parent in any generation – be  it 1610 or 2010…I only want the best for my children – I only want to make it easier for them than it was for me. I only want them to win..to come out the other side happy, content and ready to share their best experiences with the ones that will come after them.

Yesterday afternoon, as I meticulously placed tiny shards of  sprinkles for the eyes on my Halloween Cat Cookies, I wiped my hands on my Halloween apron and slid the trays into the oven, wondering if it still mattered to my kids that they even had eyes on them. My oldest two are in their late teens – but I still have a 9 year old, who most definitely appreciates these little things. Mostly, I wondered where the time had gone as I looked out the kitchen window and watched another Fall breeze by. We still have a full, warm and busy household – my kids enjoy being home. But it isn’t the same…the chaotic preparations for Halloween – who was rolling out the dough, who was using the cookie cutter and most importantly; when were we going to start icing those cookies – decorating them just to be eaten.

There was always the whole fiasco over costumes – my kids usually wanted something original and homemade…I am not a seamstress but thank goodness their Grandmother is and often settled on a costume idea a week before the big day. This year, my youngest is still very much into Trick or Treating and we are working on a costume this weekend (why break tradition?) – but instead of using all of the decorations in both of my big Rubbermaids (black and orange ones – you know it!) I went quietly alone around the house, placing just a few things here and there.

I know they have to grow up – really I do. It’s just that the magical swirl that hits your home like a cyclone, gathering everything up in it’s path leaves as suddenly as it came on….that’s the hard part.

My timer went off and I pulled the little sugar cookie cats from the oven, just in time, to my pleasant surprise – as two teenagers came down the hall – they smelled cookies….and they loved the eyes.

Are you kidding me? There is apparently a  musical play called Menopause the Musical playing. Now why on earth would I want to see a bunch a gals sweating to the hot flashes? Do I need to watch insomniac women get out of their stage beds and burst into song? No I do not. I don’t see the humor, but then again – I have recently come through the other side of menopause and while I no longer have periods I certainly have a string of other delights. Is it hot in here or is it me? Now I’m cold – I’m irritated – that commercial is making me cry – Yeah yeah yeah….wow – what a musical. And how about costume changes? Slipping from one layer of cotton into another – no satin and sequins going here – they don’t absorb very well. Maybe these actresses will be preforming with a towel draped elegantly across their shoulders for a quick sweat dab.

Menopause the Musical? No thanks – I think I’ll just stick to cryin’ the Blues instead.

It’s a cold, frosty morning – but the sun is peaking out and it looks like a nice day. So up we drive – my oldest daughter is coming along for the ride and will keep my husband company on the way back. As we pull up to the lodge my husband and daughters help unload us and have a quick peek around the lodge just to see where we’d be staying. Time to go and my husband wants to use the bathroom quickly….o.k. – now this is where the internal screaming begins; he can’t – in the lodge – as there is NO RUNNING WATER (never mind that there is no heat)! What Have I Done?!?!?! All color drains from my face – “Are you kidding me? No running water?” I say to Brown Owl, my hand resting on her arm just to keep myself from toppling over. “Oh no – sorry – forgot to mention that, did I?” My oldest daughter makes a run for the car while my husband’s face twitches with a smile as he goes out to find the out houses….What Have I Done?!?!? I scream silently as I watch them get into the car and drive away. I’m freezing – even though I’m wearing an undershirt, a turtleneck sweater, a polar fleece heavy sweatshirt and a coat (hat and gloves too!) and the realization that this was going to be my uniform for the weekend made me feel just a bit sick – thank God I brought my migraine meds with me….

So, scant moments later the guide comes down to get us all to take us off to do archery. O.K. , I think, I do love archery and am still trying to find a place where I can learn to do it properly. My daughter however, is in tears. She realizes where we are and she wants to go home – she’s cold and she doesn’t really like camping (what?!). I tell her to wait until we’ve done the archery and had lunch and if she still feels so unhappy I will call Daddy to come back and get us.

Well, after archery we go back to the lodge for lunch and as luck would have it, our team is on lunch duty. This is good because it gives us all something positive to do. We are helping the girls to make grilled cheese sandwiches. They have to butter their bread (on the correct side – not many of them know that) place their cheese inside and then go outside to grill them on top of large coffee tin cans that have a little fire going underneath each one. The girls think this is kind of cool and have a good time doing it – they’ve learned a few cooking skills (cutting up vegetables etc) and they’ve enjoyed an activity. Another team does all the dishes and the third team does the “sanitation” (cleans the out houses).

My favorite activity is next – lying down quietly for an hour. Then our guide returns with a nature scavenger hunt that the girls will do as we take a long (and I do mean long) hike to the top of the bluff. We did this same hike in the spring and it was hard then – but this time with so many leaves down it was a slippery climb – both up and down. Honestly, as one point I didn’t think I was going to make it – what a reminder that I need to get back into shape! We get back from the hike and are back in the kitchen on Hot Chocolate Duty (at least it was warmer in there with the stove constantly on – did I mention that we had to get water from the lake in buckets several times a day and boil it?).  The sun is going down slowly and it’s getting colder -so we’re all trying to warm up. The girls with hot cocoa – the adults with hot tea. The only problem with this is that within the half hour you know where we all have to go….outside – over to the out houses and pull our pants down in the cold to pee. While I’m in there I can’t help but notice that it smells like our cat’s litter box when we’ve been a bit slow to change it…why did I drink so much tea?

We have a tasty dinner – the only drawback is that we are eating with our winter coats on – not really comfortable. I can’t wait until the sing-a-long campfire because I know that means we’ll be going to bed next. Despite the large fireplace we are all still freezing. My daughter in her winter coat in shivering and so I take mine off and wrap it around her. It’s hard to be in this constant state of chill. Finally! We are off to bed. Apparently the Girl Guides are allowed to stay up a half hour later than the Brownies – if they wish. I don’t care – at this moment I’m so tired of being cold that I get straight into bed at 9pm – there is some heat in the bedrooms from a baseboard heater which helps (if you remember to keep all the doors shut) and once in my sleeping bag I begin to finally feel warm. Then 2 am hits. I wake up and I have to pee (again!). I really really really don’t want to – I do not want to get out of my warm sleeping bag, get dressed up, and go into the cold and very dark night to the out houses. I have been forewarned about Rocky the Raccoon and Sammy the Skunk and the odd possibility of a bear….I spend half an hour trying to convince myself that I don’t have to go…this only makes it worse. O.K. – I’m going out there. I tip toe to the kitchen to put on my shoes and try not to look at anything (apparently there is a mouse in the kitchen) I also keep looking down and run towards the out houses figuring that if I don’t see anything, I’ll be all right. IT’S COLD OUT THERE! As I start to run back to the lodge I stop for a moment and look up – I can’t remember a time when I have seen so many stars! They seem to be multiplying right before my eyes – truly little diamonds in the sky….then I hear a rustle in the bushes next to me and the moment is gone – I run the rest of the way back.

When I wake up in the morning there is frost on everything, everywhere….it’s cold again. So I make a boiling cup of tea and hope I can hold on until the frost melts away.

Then there is the bizarre buffoonery that seems to infect my own three children (aged 19, 16 and 9). The seven minute drive from Grandma and Grandpa’s house after a holiday meal can seem like an hour. First there is the gas issue…you know what I’m talking about – this sends the other two into screams and dramatic gasping while trying to open the window to which, the offender immediately closes (ahh – electronics). Then there are the crazy comments and jokes which render me painfully hysterical   – sometimes because they are actually very funny – sometimes because I’m just so damn tired. A 15 minute trip to the mall is even longer, although gas is never an issue then – but the argument over which store we are going into and for how long is.

That back seat is a world unto itself and it doesn’t seem to matter how many cars I’ve owned, that world seems to move along with me…….maybe it’s me? None of my other friends who shlepp kids around seem to have this issue (except perhaps the sibling-gas issue). Then again, maybe it is me, maybe they feel that they are both comfortable and safe to ask, discuss or just plain talk about whatever comes into their mind. That thought makes me feel very good about being in the Driver’s Seat.

As a preschool teacher and daycare educator I can work (over the course of a day) with approximately 70 different children. That adds to to a lot of different personalities! Do I get tired of kids? You know what? No – not really. I know it sounds crazy, but I find something funny and amazing and I learn something new, every single day. I have one little boy named Riley who drops by my classroom every morning to say hello and show me what he brought for Show and Tell…. I’m not kidding you when I say that my heart soars at that first hello. While I love all of my “kids” there are a few over the years that I have absolutely fallen in love with.  He is 4 going on 54 – funny and wise and most certainly sharper than most adults. I would love to see where he lands as a grown-up. Michael and Julian keep me laughing with their completely off-topic commentaries. Then there  is Sadie with her sweet (and in the purest sense of that word) sensibilities…and the list could go on.

I remember most of my children from over the years but there are always those few that stand out. Perhaps you bonded with them over separation anxiety issues, maybe it was humor, or adventure….or maybe you just fell in love with them. I feel that I could have had six kids of my own – after three however, my husband was more than happy to see me work in pre-school. I think of “my kids” even when I am not at work (my youngest likes to remind me that they are not my real children!) especially when I see something that I think one of them would enjoy.

I don’t think parents out there realize what a gift their children are. Yes, of course to themselves, but also to those of who work in this field. The keep us young and informed -always in a state of wonder and magic – but perhaps most of all they keep us laughing and loving.

This process is very interesting to me. When I was a young woman, I had fallen in love a couple of times and I fell in love each time one of my children was born(different of course but still a rush) and I fell in love with my wonderful husband almost 25 years ago.

Intellectually I always understood that people could fall in love again (hence the term re-marriage) but I didn’t think much further than that. I do remember my mother-in-law once telling me how, when she would be sitting in the car waiting for my father-in-law to come out of the bank or a store, her heart would sometimes skip a beat when she saw him walking back to her as the same 25 year old young man he had been when they were first together. This was hard for me to imagine as they were almost 60 years old at the time.

Now I will tell you that while I love my husband deeply  – I have also fallen in love with him all over again, from time to time. Falling in love is this unexpected rush of a feeling, this little spark in your heart that ignites and bursts into flame – different from the slow and steady fire that daily burns within it. Yesterday, I dropped him off at the subway station – he was standing on the street corner waiting for the light to change….I was in the car watching him as he stood there – the wind blowing his hair. I suddenly caught my breath – he looked so sexy standing there – like the young man that had first captured my heart. He turned to look back at me and as if he was reading my thoughts and gave me a wink and a smile…my heart soared!  The magical moment was only broken by the car horn tooting me from behind to get moving as the light has turned green. Ahhhhh love.