Today I had to go for a basically routine test at the hospital and all I could think was that 10 years ago on this very same day I was in this same hospital waiting to lose a baby….
I was 5 months pregnant & the tests had come back badly…oh so badly…more problems than anyone could live with - more problems that I could ever begin to impose on the two children that we already had….so bravely, I think, my husband and I walked in to the hospital very well aware of what was going to happen - I thank God for the unspeakable love that we have between us.
They induced labor…I spent all day waiting…waiting…waiting and praying that I would not feel that baby move inside of me before the inevitable happened. Another day later they intensified the medications and the labor came on brutally hard and fast - the pain was excruciating - an unfair assault as I knew that the end was result was only going to be sadness - we would not be going home, holding a beautiful baby in our arms … Still, I was in a hurry for her to be born so that she could be set free - free to float back to the heavens above from where I believe she was sent..and finally, late that night - she arrived…and she went…..and we were both ok with that - we had made peace with that before all of this started.
My husband hardly left my side - we have been in everything together from the day we met.
Now, I know that since that time I have been blessed with the most remarkable, beautiful, funny little girl….and I am grateful - believe me…but on this particular day, I feel that I am the only one who remembers the little spirit who grew inside of me for 5 short months….and although I believe, without a shadow of doubt that everything that transpired over those couple of days was the right thing - was destiny…..I still can’t believe that the only appointment that I could get for this test was on this very day in this very place…..
As we walked in I swore that I recognised a couple of people as having been there on the same day that I was, 10 long years ago ….but maybe all I was recognising was a mutual sense of grief……….
August 10th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
I can relate, having lost a baby two years ago. People are quick to remind me of my blessings but not so sympathetic for my loss.
August 16th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I can also relate. In July 2007 we lost our son due to a prolapsed cord during the final stages of labour. Exactly a year later I was back in the same hospital, on the same floor, for the 12 week ultrasound with our subsequent pregnancy. I was a wreck for the whole ultrasound and bawled when the technician confirmed a strong heartbeat. Thankfully, our second son arrived safely in January 2009.