A very wise parent once said “The days are long but the years are short.”  Well, the past year went as quick I could have ever imagined and yet was filled to the brim with everything I could have dreamt.  I wanted the year to be busy and full of special moments and great memories; and it was.  When I close my eyes I’m back at the water park with the sun shining on my face and the sound of my son’s peals of laughter.  Or we’re at the playground, or the pool, or the aquarium or just sitting on the floor in my living room playing with toy animals.

I suppose I could be happy to hold those memories with me (a part of me does) but of course I do not feel happy.  I feel dreadful and miserable.  I return to work in two days and I feel totally defeated.  I am an emotional nightmare.

I wanted so badly to stay home with my kids and work on the side.  I tried desperately to make a go of my writing business and I came close – but not close enough.  I have some traction and am getting some great jobs, but it takes a while to get going and I’ve run out of time.  So, on Monday I will get dressed in a suit for the first time in about 370 days and go to work.  I don’t quite know how I’m going to pull it off without sobbing my way through the day. 

I haven’t given up entirely, I plan on continuing to write but it will be hard.  My job requires me to continue education so my list of responsibilities will be long; work, school, exercise, socialize with friends and extended family, my husband, my children and somewhere in there continue with this business that I’ve just started.  I am up for the challenge because I know it’s all about priorities and taking one day at a time. 

Today I’m focused on making it through Monday and when Monday ends I’ll try to make it through Tuesday.  I’m going to look for the good moments in each day and keep my ultimate goal of working from home at the front of my mind.  But the biggest priority, or course, is to do my best to always ensure that my kids and my husband know that they do come first and how deeply I love them. 

I just about killed myself roughly an hour ago.  I raced to cross a major six lane thoroughfare when I should have stopped and waited to cross when it was safer.  You know what you are doing is pretty darn stupid when you hold the wheel and brace yourself for impact.  I could see cars beginning to move but I had already made the decision in my head that I was going and for some reason I didn’t change my mind – like a madwoman I just kept going.

I did this on the heels of a conversation that I had just had with my husband about how women can be subpar drivers (men too, but our discussion was regarding the female persuasion).  Now, I am very much about equality and I don’t say things like that very often about my sisters but its true.  Women generally are not assertive drivers.  They often lack confidence and that can be either totally irritating if you are waiting behind a passive ninny or dangerous if they second guess a manoeuvre mid way through. 

Perhaps subconsciously I was trying to be assertive to prove that I wasn’t a passive ninny or perhaps I was given to a momentary second of craziness.  Whatever the reason, I went for it.  I floored my decade old minivan and streaked across the intersection, to the sound of my engine roaring and horns blaring.  Phew; I made it.  I immediately started thanking my lucky stars that my husband wasn’t in the van with me to witness my unwise, rash decision to put my life on the line.  I’m also brutally aware of how lucky I am that my kids weren’t in the van with me along for such a foolish ride.

After that I drove like a passive ninny the rest of the way home.