Ach, it’s a Bonnie life!!

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my last post … Zen Bliss and being the “Ultimate You” … these are hard things to define, and even harder to find. I’ve also been procrastinating on getting a bunch of work done that I really need to either have finished already or at least have a good handle on. I’m an excellent procrastinator. I could teach a course in it, but I’d probably never get the course outline finished…

The Ultimate Me … well, I was a lot closer about six months ago than I am now, but I think I’m making some positive changes to try to get back there. I’ve struggled so much in the past few months and have gone from absolutely loving every moment of my job to detesting everything about it (or very nearly everything). The change has brought on a very deep (and frankly, very scary) depression, panic attacks and has very seriously affected my health. But, I’m working hard on a business plan with a former coworker and we will start our own business (”consulting” … how original, eh?) in the next couple of months. I took a very deep breath and filed an official harassment complaint with the HR department at work, and I can only hope that might bring about some positive change. Or at least it will bring about a definitive ending. I just know that something has to give very soon on the work front. My doctor is worried enough to want to see me every other week - I haven’t seen him this much since I was pregnant… I’ve also been seeing a personal counsellor regularly although now I think it’s time to turf the counsellor and get a referee (aka marriage counsellor) to help us both deal with the “ripple effects” that all the negative changes in my work have caused. With some hard work, maybe I can at least become the Penultimate Me by the end of the summer??

My best friend was writing a book for about a year and she was happy doing it. I don’t know why she stopped, but I know she’s not so happy anymore. It was a fairly small part of her life, but it’s absence seems to have made a huge difference. Why is it the little things that always seem to derail everything?

I remember talking to her one night on MSN about her story. I suggested that the story was a string that she (as an author) had to unravel neatly with just enough hint of tangles that it kept the reader interested — that the story was not “created” from scratch so much as guided into being. You know the beginning and the end, and probably a few points in the middle, and after that you just follow the string as the story struggles to come out. Does this make sense? Or is it really a case of inventing every moment as you go along. Does the author impose him/herself on the story or does the story emerge in it’s own way?

I’ve been viewing my business plan very much as she viewed her story. At times I feel it’s an unraveling ball of string and I’m just here to type it out and keep it from going off on too many tangents, and at times I feel that I’m struggling to form an idea and get it onto the screen. It seems to be the former sections where my partner reads it and just says “wow” and the latter sections where we both know there’s a lot of rewriting to be done there. With the new meds for the panic attacks I feel like I’ve lost my ball of string and I know that forcing the story (business plan) isn’t going to produce good results. I guess that’s writer’s block, isn’t it?

And here I am, with writer’s block, procrastinating on my business plan with my blog, and plotting further procrastination … most likely with pogo for a while (bearing in mind that it’s already 10 pm and I do have to get up at 4 am…) Oh well, maybe I’ll think about that a little later.

Zen Bliss — have you ever heard of this?  I think it’s something my best friend made up — well, the name anyway, not the actual feeling.  I was reading one of her old blog entries today and thinking about several recent telephone conversations that we’ve had.  Her definition of Zen Bliss is “being comfortable in ones own skin”.  She is lucky enough that she knows where to find her Zen Bliss.  I know what makes me happy, but being happy is not finding Zen Bliss.

I envision Zen Bliss as a fleeting moment where you’re completely at peace with yourself — ALL of yourself …  Inner Peace is something that I don’t have a lot of … probably comes with the depression, who knows.

I also caught the end of Freaky Friday (the new one with Jamie Lee Curtis & Lindsay Lohan) while channel cruising the other night - which is where this entry’s title comes from - the song she sings at the end…  After reading her post about Zen Bliss, I started thinking about it and the song was playing and wondered how you would become the “Ultimate You” - and would this also be a fleeting thing, like her Zen Bliss — is it maybe Zen Bliss or is it like another side of the same coin?  Things to think about …

I also know I haven’t posted on my blog in a while.  I was blocked.  I had stopped wanting to tell the story I was telling and I did not want to tell the story that I was living at the moment.

I’ve had difficulties with depression for years, and some difficulties I’m experiencing at work have just made it worse right now.  So Zen Bliss is something that’s completely missing at the moment, but something I think I’ll try looking for again soon.

What do you envision Zen Bliss as being?  Have you ever found it - even fleetingly??  These are questions that it’s very difficult to answer, even in the privacy of your own mind…