On my way to Mother Hood

 I am really afraid I won’t be able to have more kids. I don’t trust the doctor who did my section ( I am actually considering taking legal action against her) Its been 4 months and I am still not menstrating although I am solely breastfeeing my baby every 4 hours. I feel like something went wrong even though I have been up and down my hospital chart and my midwifery chart and everything looks normal. I was at my MIL this weekend and she said ” You know the doctor might have made mistakes and you won’t be able to have anymore children, the infertility rates of section women is high, and if yo can’t give my son more children he may leave you” I don’t want to say anything to my Hubby because I don’t want him to yell at his mom. So today I called the OB who did my section and told her she better fix whatever she screwed up during the section or I am taking legal action. I feel like this is never going away and I am so afraid she made mistakes and I won’t be able to have more kids. It is making me crazy, everyday I wish for my period to come but nothing I am trying everything I can to make it come. I had a massive post partum hemmorage but the Midwife didn’t think it has anything to do with the section. I am so scared all the time that I won’t be able to have anymore kids. It is eating me up inside and I cry everyday about it and it is making me crazy.I want to be happy after all I have this wonderful child who is the light of my life but I am still stuck in a rut about what happened and I keep thinking there are going to be conseqeunces and that I should have said I wanted a second opinion or I wanted to go to a better hospital. It eats me up and I can’t get rid of it.I went to the DR and he said that I can take some anti-depressants but I am breastfeeding and don’t want to risk it and he won’t give me a referral for a therapist and the support group in my home town is full. I went to another dr and she wouldn’t give it to me either.How long did it take everyone to get back to normal after cesearean and did anyone have fertility problems after?? .I really need some reassurance that everything is going to be ok.

I have now been a new mommy for 3 whole months, and I have to admit I thought motherhood was going to come so naturally and be a breeze and that our new baby would fit into my life style no problem and be relaxed and let me do the things I used to do ( read, crotchet etc…) BOY WAS I SO SO SO SO WRONG!!! I love my little one so much yet she is a lot of work, she cries and fusses and getting her on a nap routine has been a nightmare to say the least plus my Husbands constant comments and reccomendations that he knows nothing about ( aka cloth diapers, tv exposure and shoes on her feet! and his instistence on breastfeeding and not giving her cereal till she is 6 months) I am trying to stay relaxed and roll with the punches but with the sleep deprivation it is so much harder, I don’t feel like myself anymore and I have to admit I miss my tv time, book time and crochet time immensly but I cannot imagine life without my little girl now, she is so darling when she is not fussing, cooing and sucking her fingers and laughing and smiling at me.I wonder sometime if I am being a good mother and giving her everything I can.

I want to join a moms group but with swine flu around the corner my Husband says no so I am pretty secluded here in my home as I am not alLowed to be around other kids in his fear of swine flu ( or H1N1) so from that perspective I am very lonely with only my mom and best friends who both work all day and my best friend has gotten very busy since I had Isla as she is jealous of me. Does anyone else know how to spend the time till the swine flu passes???

Its also amazing how a new baby puts strain on a marriage. My Husband and I fight twice as more now than we did before. I think its my fault mostly because I am crabby at him due to lack of sleep. He isn’t as helpful with the baby as he could be and he says I am not contributing finacialy to the house hold therefore I cannot buy anything ( new clothes books etcc.) like I would have time to read any anyways what with the baby to look after, laundry, cooking and house work. Last week he put for the a new house rule 1. Baby first - thats a no brainer

2. Housework

3. Then I can entertain myself if there is time which there never is.

What I would give for one day to be alone shopping or for a hot meal at supper not cooked by me or cleaned up by me and a decent nights sleep from 10-8. I know this will all come in time but I have to admit I am impatient.

Are there any other new moms out there struggling a little, if you are out there please let me know so I am not alone!!!

what a trip motherhood is! I can’t believe it. Since my c-section I have been having lots of sad feelings, its true what they say about how some women can atribute the feelings from a c-section to their bodies being violated. Everytime I close my eyes at night I think about it. It was something I didn’t want or expect and the Nursing and Doctors as the hospital didn’t treat me properly or give me the emotional support I needed. I finally spoke to the head of the Maternal child Unit and voiced my complaints. I told myslef I wasnt going to cry but I did.I couldn’t help it all my feelings came pouring out and truthfully I still don’t feel like she heard me. I wish there was more that I can do but for now I have to find a way to move past all this. My Husband is getting tired of hearing about it but I truly cannot let it go. Its to hard for me! I still don’t understand what happened that day and even though I love my daughter and by no means was her birth a tradgedy I still feel as if this hospital stripped me of my dignity and violated my body. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently or stick up for myself more but, I was scared that day and tired and didn’t fight for myself like I should have.At least i will know for next time.

Which brings me to my next thing, I don’t know if I will have anymore children. This whole expereince was alot to handle and I am still feeling poorly. My Husband wants to start trying again in 10 months but after the c-section and then the haemorrhage I don’t know if I want to do it again! What happens if I can’t get my V-Bac? what happens if I need another c-section and the staff dont’ treat me right at the new hospital I pick, what happens if I haemorrhage again? I don’t know if I can make it through 9 months of worrying about all that. I don’t want my Husband to resent me for the rest of our lives because I wouldn’t give him anymore children. I just don’t know if I can emotionally handle it.

I don’t know if anyone reads my blog but if you are reading this and can relate a bit drop me a comment, I would love to know I am not alone out there.

Well a lot has happened since my last blog entry, so here it goes!

On June 8th I went for a ultrasound to check on the baby and well she was doing well, I was 2 weeks overdue so they sent me up to labor and delivery where I had a non stress test which didn’t go well either. They decided to induce me and for 9 hours I labored and nothing happened. My Midwife talked me through each contraction and finally after I got in the bathtub she told me to get an epidural. It took the stupid anaesthesiologist 6 tries to get it in and he jabbed me in the bone 6 times. I am now having back pain the isn’t going away and is paralysing. After I got the epidural they out a catheter in, the OB shoved it in and now I have uritis and I swear they damaged my bladder because it isn’t getting better. After all this there still was no change but my Midwife didn’t seem concerned but then the OB came in which I thought was strange because it was like she was looming the whole time and said the baby was having late decels. My Midwife acknowleged this fact but said it was ok. Finally about 2 hours later the OB came in again ( I wish she would just go away!!!!) I thought and just pushed my Midwife aside saying we need to do a c-section. I asked my Midwife if this was what needed to happen and she said no not right now but the OB didn’t care and before I knew it I was being sliced open my dignity pretty much stripped away as the anaesthesiology shoved suppositories up my rectum and they pushed and rolled me around like a slab of meat. The worst part was the OB treated me like a slab of meat not asking me how I was doing but just chatting to the other surgeons about her cottage. The one other surgeon didn’t even look clean he was all grubby.  After the section was over I finally got to hold my beautiful baby and she was amazing so bright eyed and lovely. When I got to the maternity ward I began to haemorrhage. It was awful and I had clearly shaken up my nurse who looked like she was scared for me. The OB who did my section sent my back up Midwife to look after me which I thought was strange given I was under OB care but I was happy to see her non the less. Finally the haemorrhage stopped and the OB on call came to check on me and began to examine me ( he didn’t drape me or anything I felt so exposed and now really mortified.) and they did an ultrasound to see if they had left anything behind inside me to cause the haemorrhage. The orderlies bashed my hospital bed into door ways and that made the hemmorage start again but it was soon controlled. During all this the OB who did my section didn’t call to ask how I was or come to see me like she wasn’t even concerned. My lovely day nurse left and the evening one came on, she was clearly upset and it wasn’t until I proved to her that I wasn’t going to be a problem that she was nice to me. I was so scared to ask for any help, thank goodness the catheter was out so I could look after myself a bit, nobody offered me a clean gown or to help me tie it up in the back so the world could see everything I had to offer, it was so degrading and upsetting, finally when the IV came out I got into my own nightgown and put on my own underwear and pads. They took my baby away from me so I could sleep which I didn’t because I was so worried about her and finally at 4 I was going crazy and they gave her back to me I was afraid of what the nurses would do to her in the nursery. The next day the OB finally came ( I told her I was glad her majesty could make an appearance) and asked to go home as I had had enough but she said no I needed to spend one more day. I got into a private room and things looked up for me. The next day she came back and I said I wanted to go home with or without her blessing as I was mobile, my pain was under control and I was self sufficient with personal care. She said yes and discharged me and my baby. I was so glad to be home.

I am having a very hard time dealing with this experience, it has made it difficult to enjoy my new baby. I feel that hospital has stripped me of all my dignity and that my body has been violated. I am experiencing problems that my 73 year old grandfather has and I am only 25. This experience at the hospital is enough to make me never want to have a baby again and I will never seek care at this hospital ever again.

I did however get a beautiful baby girl and she is a real gem and is 8 weeks old and healthy, I am so blessed, I am physically all recovered except for the bladder issues and back pain and emotionally I have a huge road ahead of me,  doubt I will ever forget this as long as I live.

Well that is my birth story, I will blog more soon about my life with our little froggy as we call her!

I have never regretted my choice to use a midwife to birth our baby. I believe they are the most wonderful people in the world and I always leave the office feeling really great  even if  something was off.

This past week we went to see our back up midwife. In Ontario Midwives practice in two’s one for you and one for your baby. I much prefer our Primary caregiver to our back up midwife as she has a more medical view than our primary but I have learned that they are different and accepted it. Well at this visit I was surprised to find out that our back up midwife has a student. A first 1year student.

I was happy to see a new face and smiled and then our midwife asked if she could sit in. I said sure knowing that we have all been students at one time or another in a placement and we all need to learn. I must have mis-interpreted what ” Sit In” meant because before I knew it I went from feeling really comfortale to extremly uncomfortable in a matter of minutes. The midwifery student took my blood pressure which was fine, I think it’s rather difficult to mess that up, then she went to find the baby in my belly. I am a bigger girl and I don’t think she has had any exeperience with bigger girls because she was pressing really hard on my belly and as unable to figure out where Ila’s bum was and where her head was. The midwife then took over and showed her how to tell. She then tried to measure my belly pushing really hard to find the top of the fundus. Again the Midwife took over and found it and then our midwife measured my belly saying it’s 36 cm which is great because I am 35 weeks pregnant. The last thing she did was listen to the baby’s heartbeat. She was able to find it no problem and listened. It bothered me though that the midwife didn’t check after to ensure that the student had done it correctly and just wrote down what the student had said.

I cried all the way home feeling as if I didn’t get the level or care I am used to. Also after looking at the copies of the paper work that I had filled out upon joining the midwife I had asked that students NOT be involved in my care. I am really dreading calling my primary midwife this week and requesting that the stuent only be allowed to sit in and WACTCH anf NOT TOUCH during my appointments. I know if will just feel more comfortable if someone qualified cares for me with this being my first baby and all and maybe my second time around it won’t be a problem for a student to be involved.

Hey All!,

So after some long and hard consideration and a devastating period from hell last month( which consisted of vomitting,constipation,grouchiness,cramps to make a man of steel cry and 3 days with no sleep) I have decided that people on here really know what they are talking about, so hubby and I are playing it cool.

After nothing last month we are taking a casual approach, trying ever other day and it’s not planned but spontaneous. I have stopped asking are you ready to try. And to be honest I have never felt so relaxed for a long time.

We took all the pressue away and we are just enjoying the ride. It seems that we are both so much more happier than before and my love for my Hubby grows every day ” Je taime come douze balaine blue qui peux etre mange par 144 Orca” is what we say after seeing a special on the discover channel about the eating habits of Orca whales.

I am losing weight like crazy( in a totally weight watchers healthy way) and feeling so good about myself. Everything is fabu.

This weekend we are going to buy some paint and start painting the ” Babies Room” so my bro in law can come and start his college project which is a huge mural on the babies room wall. I know it’s a little soon and there isn’t a baby but the kid needs to do his project and I am happy to give him a space to do it.

On a very happy note my girl friend had a beautiful healthy baby boy this weekend. I cannot wait to see him in a couple of weeks.

Oh well thats all I have to say for now.

TTFN

Hello All,

thanks to all who replied to my last post. I am sad to say my friendship with my best friend is on a hiatus at the moment.

I wasn’t feeling all that well today. I had this unusual back ache and I was just feeling crummy. I knew my period was due on Sunday but keeping with positive thoughts of babydust I pushed it to the back of my mind. However when I got home and settled down for some serious internet surfing recipies for cornflake chicken ( if anyone knows a recipe I am all ears!) I noticed this dull ache in my lower belly. Sure enough about 6 o’clock I went to the washroom and there it was my monthly unwelcome visitor. Tears soon there followed and with lots of kleenexes and some kind words my Husband he managed to  coaxed me out of our closet ( where I go when I cry not to embarass myself) and he assured me that this would take time and there is nothing infact wrong with me.

I know all women out there who are trying for a baby feel disappointment when their monthly visitor comes but, I feel totally down about it. I cannot figure out what is going on ( I mean we did everything the experts recommend).

Oh well so here begins cycle day one and I am miserable not only am I crampy and feeling sick to my stomach I have a house full of people coming this weekend ( Nanny and Grandpa tomorrow and then my Mother in law and Father in Law for tea on Sunday) I will need to clean top to bottom and be all hostess like and that is the last thing I want to do. All I really want to do this weekend is hang out in my jammies and maybe go to Wal-Mart for some wool.

Anybody have any suggestions on how to beat the ” I am trying for a baby but got my period funk”? Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

Thanks for listening!

Tonight I went out to Fabricland to get a patch for my duvet cover and something led me to the baby fabric ( I am a craft junky too i think and can’t resist super cute baby fabrics lol) I bought two panels for baby quilts and I am sitting on my couch crying because I know that I will quite possibly not be pregnant!

8 days till I can offically take the big test and I am so nervous and stressing. I honestly don’t think I can stand a negative test. I will be devastated. I want a baby so badly. Everyone around me is pregnant and happy and yet even with all the amazing things happening in my life ( super wonderful job, great Hubby and adoring family) I still feel like something is missing.

This weekend my Dude in Law came to visit us over night and we had such a great visit with him. Then he started talking about a grand baby and how excited he was that there is a chance and at the very moment my eyes filled with tears and I lost it.

I don’t know what I will do if I am not pregnant. It’s all i can think about. I keep looking for signs that I might be pregnant like well I won’t elaborate on anything but all you ladies know the feeling. My Husband tries his hardest but the other day he said something that upset me and made me feel worse about the whole thing” If we don’t get pregnant after all that then there is something wrong with us” so this begs the huge question:

Is there something wrong with me? Am I going to be a barren women? Am I never going to have a baby? Can I still be me without any hope of being a mom?

Do you see why I am stressing here!

Someone please help me lol Does anybody have any ideas on sure fire ways to get preggies? I know it’s hit and miss but I don’t think i could stand missing on this one.

Thanks to everyone for listening It means more than you know.

Hi All

Thanks to everyone who commented on the last blog, I will for sure give it a try ! I have started thinking about my future a little bit today. I was off to a job interview this morning and I am hopeful to get it but what will it mean for the baby train I hope to soon hop on! The job I am at now isn’t exactly family friendly and where I am hoping to go is. But it is ok to start something new and get pregnant.

I really think that this new job will help me in the long run be a happier healthier me! My current job is very high stress where I get up super early and drive an hour to get there and then spend 9 hours dealing with stressful problems then driving an hour home.

So I feel torn between a rock and a hard place but still more than anything I want to be a mom. My daer Hubby doesn’t seem to think it’s a provblem. As long as Ihave the 600 hours you need then he said it won’t matter plus they can’t let you go for being pregnant anyways. I wish I shared his carefree attitude but by nature I am a worrier.

Oh well on a brighter note this is cycle day 1 for me so my new month has started with a clean slate and I am looking forward to trying again this month. Also all my FIL can talk about is how excited he is that we are trying for a baby and that makes me feel so great!

My marriage started off rocky with my in-laws but I feel now my FIL has embarced me as a daughter and I can’t wait to see what he will be like with my children.

Well hello!

I guess this is my first Blog entry.

I am 24 years old and have been married for one year! I love my Hisband very much and he is a very huge part of my life. I work as an admin assistant in a health care firm ( benefits) I like it it’s ok.

 I decided to start blogging my quest to be a mother to help me. I am so confused about the whole thing that I think writting it down will help me reach my ultimate goal which is to have a beautiful little boy or girl.

My Husband and I started trying this past month and I thought for sure everything would be so easy. How hard could it be right? I am young and healthy and there should be no reason why it won’t happen on the first try.

Well it didn’t and to top it all off my best friend found out she is pregnant ( which was not planned) I am so devastated.

Hopefull next month I will be more lucky!