Emotionally Spent!
what a trip motherhood is! I can’t believe it. Since my c-section I have been having lots of sad feelings, its true what they say about how some women can atribute the feelings from a c-section to their bodies being violated. Everytime I close my eyes at night I think about it. It was something I didn’t want or expect and the Nursing and Doctors as the hospital didn’t treat me properly or give me the emotional support I needed. I finally spoke to the head of the Maternal child Unit and voiced my complaints. I told myslef I wasnt going to cry but I did.I couldn’t help it all my feelings came pouring out and truthfully I still don’t feel like she heard me. I wish there was more that I can do but for now I have to find a way to move past all this. My Husband is getting tired of hearing about it but I truly cannot let it go. Its to hard for me! I still don’t understand what happened that day and even though I love my daughter and by no means was her birth a tradgedy I still feel as if this hospital stripped me of my dignity and violated my body. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently or stick up for myself more but, I was scared that day and tired and didn’t fight for myself like I should have.At least i will know for next time.
Which brings me to my next thing, I don’t know if I will have anymore children. This whole expereince was alot to handle and I am still feeling poorly. My Husband wants to start trying again in 10 months but after the c-section and then the haemorrhage I don’t know if I want to do it again! What happens if I can’t get my V-Bac? what happens if I need another c-section and the staff dont’ treat me right at the new hospital I pick, what happens if I haemorrhage again? I don’t know if I can make it through 9 months of worrying about all that. I don’t want my Husband to resent me for the rest of our lives because I wouldn’t give him anymore children. I just don’t know if I can emotionally handle it.
I don’t know if anyone reads my blog but if you are reading this and can relate a bit drop me a comment, I would love to know I am not alone out there.
