On my way to Mother Hood

what a trip motherhood is! I can’t believe it. Since my c-section I have been having lots of sad feelings, its true what they say about how some women can atribute the feelings from a c-section to their bodies being violated. Everytime I close my eyes at night I think about it. It was something I didn’t want or expect and the Nursing and Doctors as the hospital didn’t treat me properly or give me the emotional support I needed. I finally spoke to the head of the Maternal child Unit and voiced my complaints. I told myslef I wasnt going to cry but I did.I couldn’t help it all my feelings came pouring out and truthfully I still don’t feel like she heard me. I wish there was more that I can do but for now I have to find a way to move past all this. My Husband is getting tired of hearing about it but I truly cannot let it go. Its to hard for me! I still don’t understand what happened that day and even though I love my daughter and by no means was her birth a tradgedy I still feel as if this hospital stripped me of my dignity and violated my body. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently or stick up for myself more but, I was scared that day and tired and didn’t fight for myself like I should have.At least i will know for next time.

Which brings me to my next thing, I don’t know if I will have anymore children. This whole expereince was alot to handle and I am still feeling poorly. My Husband wants to start trying again in 10 months but after the c-section and then the haemorrhage I don’t know if I want to do it again! What happens if I can’t get my V-Bac? what happens if I need another c-section and the staff dont’ treat me right at the new hospital I pick, what happens if I haemorrhage again? I don’t know if I can make it through 9 months of worrying about all that. I don’t want my Husband to resent me for the rest of our lives because I wouldn’t give him anymore children. I just don’t know if I can emotionally handle it.

I don’t know if anyone reads my blog but if you are reading this and can relate a bit drop me a comment, I would love to know I am not alone out there.

Well a lot has happened since my last blog entry, so here it goes!

On June 8th I went for a ultrasound to check on the baby and well she was doing well, I was 2 weeks overdue so they sent me up to labor and delivery where I had a non stress test which didn’t go well either. They decided to induce me and for 9 hours I labored and nothing happened. My Midwife talked me through each contraction and finally after I got in the bathtub she told me to get an epidural. It took the stupid anaesthesiologist 6 tries to get it in and he jabbed me in the bone 6 times. I am now having back pain the isn’t going away and is paralysing. After I got the epidural they out a catheter in, the OB shoved it in and now I have uritis and I swear they damaged my bladder because it isn’t getting better. After all this there still was no change but my Midwife didn’t seem concerned but then the OB came in which I thought was strange because it was like she was looming the whole time and said the baby was having late decels. My Midwife acknowleged this fact but said it was ok. Finally about 2 hours later the OB came in again ( I wish she would just go away!!!!) I thought and just pushed my Midwife aside saying we need to do a c-section. I asked my Midwife if this was what needed to happen and she said no not right now but the OB didn’t care and before I knew it I was being sliced open my dignity pretty much stripped away as the anaesthesiology shoved suppositories up my rectum and they pushed and rolled me around like a slab of meat. The worst part was the OB treated me like a slab of meat not asking me how I was doing but just chatting to the other surgeons about her cottage. The one other surgeon didn’t even look clean he was all grubby.  After the section was over I finally got to hold my beautiful baby and she was amazing so bright eyed and lovely. When I got to the maternity ward I began to haemorrhage. It was awful and I had clearly shaken up my nurse who looked like she was scared for me. The OB who did my section sent my back up Midwife to look after me which I thought was strange given I was under OB care but I was happy to see her non the less. Finally the haemorrhage stopped and the OB on call came to check on me and began to examine me ( he didn’t drape me or anything I felt so exposed and now really mortified.) and they did an ultrasound to see if they had left anything behind inside me to cause the haemorrhage. The orderlies bashed my hospital bed into door ways and that made the hemmorage start again but it was soon controlled. During all this the OB who did my section didn’t call to ask how I was or come to see me like she wasn’t even concerned. My lovely day nurse left and the evening one came on, she was clearly upset and it wasn’t until I proved to her that I wasn’t going to be a problem that she was nice to me. I was so scared to ask for any help, thank goodness the catheter was out so I could look after myself a bit, nobody offered me a clean gown or to help me tie it up in the back so the world could see everything I had to offer, it was so degrading and upsetting, finally when the IV came out I got into my own nightgown and put on my own underwear and pads. They took my baby away from me so I could sleep which I didn’t because I was so worried about her and finally at 4 I was going crazy and they gave her back to me I was afraid of what the nurses would do to her in the nursery. The next day the OB finally came ( I told her I was glad her majesty could make an appearance) and asked to go home as I had had enough but she said no I needed to spend one more day. I got into a private room and things looked up for me. The next day she came back and I said I wanted to go home with or without her blessing as I was mobile, my pain was under control and I was self sufficient with personal care. She said yes and discharged me and my baby. I was so glad to be home.

I am having a very hard time dealing with this experience, it has made it difficult to enjoy my new baby. I feel that hospital has stripped me of all my dignity and that my body has been violated. I am experiencing problems that my 73 year old grandfather has and I am only 25. This experience at the hospital is enough to make me never want to have a baby again and I will never seek care at this hospital ever again.

I did however get a beautiful baby girl and she is a real gem and is 8 weeks old and healthy, I am so blessed, I am physically all recovered except for the bladder issues and back pain and emotionally I have a huge road ahead of me,  doubt I will ever forget this as long as I live.

Well that is my birth story, I will blog more soon about my life with our little froggy as we call her!