On my way to Mother Hood

 I am really afraid I won’t be able to have more kids. I don’t trust the doctor who did my section ( I am actually considering taking legal action against her) Its been 4 months and I am still not menstrating although I am solely breastfeeing my baby every 4 hours. I feel like something went wrong even though I have been up and down my hospital chart and my midwifery chart and everything looks normal. I was at my MIL this weekend and she said ” You know the doctor might have made mistakes and you won’t be able to have anymore children, the infertility rates of section women is high, and if yo can’t give my son more children he may leave you” I don’t want to say anything to my Hubby because I don’t want him to yell at his mom. So today I called the OB who did my section and told her she better fix whatever she screwed up during the section or I am taking legal action. I feel like this is never going away and I am so afraid she made mistakes and I won’t be able to have more kids. It is making me crazy, everyday I wish for my period to come but nothing I am trying everything I can to make it come. I had a massive post partum hemmorage but the Midwife didn’t think it has anything to do with the section. I am so scared all the time that I won’t be able to have anymore kids. It is eating me up inside and I cry everyday about it and it is making me crazy.I want to be happy after all I have this wonderful child who is the light of my life but I am still stuck in a rut about what happened and I keep thinking there are going to be conseqeunces and that I should have said I wanted a second opinion or I wanted to go to a better hospital. It eats me up and I can’t get rid of it.I went to the DR and he said that I can take some anti-depressants but I am breastfeeding and don’t want to risk it and he won’t give me a referral for a therapist and the support group in my home town is full. I went to another dr and she wouldn’t give it to me either.How long did it take everyone to get back to normal after cesearean and did anyone have fertility problems after?? .I really need some reassurance that everything is going to be ok.

I have now been a new mommy for 3 whole months, and I have to admit I thought motherhood was going to come so naturally and be a breeze and that our new baby would fit into my life style no problem and be relaxed and let me do the things I used to do ( read, crotchet etc…) BOY WAS I SO SO SO SO WRONG!!! I love my little one so much yet she is a lot of work, she cries and fusses and getting her on a nap routine has been a nightmare to say the least plus my Husbands constant comments and reccomendations that he knows nothing about ( aka cloth diapers, tv exposure and shoes on her feet! and his instistence on breastfeeding and not giving her cereal till she is 6 months) I am trying to stay relaxed and roll with the punches but with the sleep deprivation it is so much harder, I don’t feel like myself anymore and I have to admit I miss my tv time, book time and crochet time immensly but I cannot imagine life without my little girl now, she is so darling when she is not fussing, cooing and sucking her fingers and laughing and smiling at me.I wonder sometime if I am being a good mother and giving her everything I can.

I want to join a moms group but with swine flu around the corner my Husband says no so I am pretty secluded here in my home as I am not alLowed to be around other kids in his fear of swine flu ( or H1N1) so from that perspective I am very lonely with only my mom and best friends who both work all day and my best friend has gotten very busy since I had Isla as she is jealous of me. Does anyone else know how to spend the time till the swine flu passes???

Its also amazing how a new baby puts strain on a marriage. My Husband and I fight twice as more now than we did before. I think its my fault mostly because I am crabby at him due to lack of sleep. He isn’t as helpful with the baby as he could be and he says I am not contributing finacialy to the house hold therefore I cannot buy anything ( new clothes books etcc.) like I would have time to read any anyways what with the baby to look after, laundry, cooking and house work. Last week he put for the a new house rule 1. Baby first - thats a no brainer

2. Housework

3. Then I can entertain myself if there is time which there never is.

What I would give for one day to be alone shopping or for a hot meal at supper not cooked by me or cleaned up by me and a decent nights sleep from 10-8. I know this will all come in time but I have to admit I am impatient.

Are there any other new moms out there struggling a little, if you are out there please let me know so I am not alone!!!

what a trip motherhood is! I can’t believe it. Since my c-section I have been having lots of sad feelings, its true what they say about how some women can atribute the feelings from a c-section to their bodies being violated. Everytime I close my eyes at night I think about it. It was something I didn’t want or expect and the Nursing and Doctors as the hospital didn’t treat me properly or give me the emotional support I needed. I finally spoke to the head of the Maternal child Unit and voiced my complaints. I told myslef I wasnt going to cry but I did.I couldn’t help it all my feelings came pouring out and truthfully I still don’t feel like she heard me. I wish there was more that I can do but for now I have to find a way to move past all this. My Husband is getting tired of hearing about it but I truly cannot let it go. Its to hard for me! I still don’t understand what happened that day and even though I love my daughter and by no means was her birth a tradgedy I still feel as if this hospital stripped me of my dignity and violated my body. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently or stick up for myself more but, I was scared that day and tired and didn’t fight for myself like I should have.At least i will know for next time.

Which brings me to my next thing, I don’t know if I will have anymore children. This whole expereince was alot to handle and I am still feeling poorly. My Husband wants to start trying again in 10 months but after the c-section and then the haemorrhage I don’t know if I want to do it again! What happens if I can’t get my V-Bac? what happens if I need another c-section and the staff dont’ treat me right at the new hospital I pick, what happens if I haemorrhage again? I don’t know if I can make it through 9 months of worrying about all that. I don’t want my Husband to resent me for the rest of our lives because I wouldn’t give him anymore children. I just don’t know if I can emotionally handle it.

I don’t know if anyone reads my blog but if you are reading this and can relate a bit drop me a comment, I would love to know I am not alone out there.

Well a lot has happened since my last blog entry, so here it goes!

On June 8th I went for a ultrasound to check on the baby and well she was doing well, I was 2 weeks overdue so they sent me up to labor and delivery where I had a non stress test which didn’t go well either. They decided to induce me and for 9 hours I labored and nothing happened. My Midwife talked me through each contraction and finally after I got in the bathtub she told me to get an epidural. It took the stupid anaesthesiologist 6 tries to get it in and he jabbed me in the bone 6 times. I am now having back pain the isn’t going away and is paralysing. After I got the epidural they out a catheter in, the OB shoved it in and now I have uritis and I swear they damaged my bladder because it isn’t getting better. After all this there still was no change but my Midwife didn’t seem concerned but then the OB came in which I thought was strange because it was like she was looming the whole time and said the baby was having late decels. My Midwife acknowleged this fact but said it was ok. Finally about 2 hours later the OB came in again ( I wish she would just go away!!!!) I thought and just pushed my Midwife aside saying we need to do a c-section. I asked my Midwife if this was what needed to happen and she said no not right now but the OB didn’t care and before I knew it I was being sliced open my dignity pretty much stripped away as the anaesthesiology shoved suppositories up my rectum and they pushed and rolled me around like a slab of meat. The worst part was the OB treated me like a slab of meat not asking me how I was doing but just chatting to the other surgeons about her cottage. The one other surgeon didn’t even look clean he was all grubby.  After the section was over I finally got to hold my beautiful baby and she was amazing so bright eyed and lovely. When I got to the maternity ward I began to haemorrhage. It was awful and I had clearly shaken up my nurse who looked like she was scared for me. The OB who did my section sent my back up Midwife to look after me which I thought was strange given I was under OB care but I was happy to see her non the less. Finally the haemorrhage stopped and the OB on call came to check on me and began to examine me ( he didn’t drape me or anything I felt so exposed and now really mortified.) and they did an ultrasound to see if they had left anything behind inside me to cause the haemorrhage. The orderlies bashed my hospital bed into door ways and that made the hemmorage start again but it was soon controlled. During all this the OB who did my section didn’t call to ask how I was or come to see me like she wasn’t even concerned. My lovely day nurse left and the evening one came on, she was clearly upset and it wasn’t until I proved to her that I wasn’t going to be a problem that she was nice to me. I was so scared to ask for any help, thank goodness the catheter was out so I could look after myself a bit, nobody offered me a clean gown or to help me tie it up in the back so the world could see everything I had to offer, it was so degrading and upsetting, finally when the IV came out I got into my own nightgown and put on my own underwear and pads. They took my baby away from me so I could sleep which I didn’t because I was so worried about her and finally at 4 I was going crazy and they gave her back to me I was afraid of what the nurses would do to her in the nursery. The next day the OB finally came ( I told her I was glad her majesty could make an appearance) and asked to go home as I had had enough but she said no I needed to spend one more day. I got into a private room and things looked up for me. The next day she came back and I said I wanted to go home with or without her blessing as I was mobile, my pain was under control and I was self sufficient with personal care. She said yes and discharged me and my baby. I was so glad to be home.

I am having a very hard time dealing with this experience, it has made it difficult to enjoy my new baby. I feel that hospital has stripped me of all my dignity and that my body has been violated. I am experiencing problems that my 73 year old grandfather has and I am only 25. This experience at the hospital is enough to make me never want to have a baby again and I will never seek care at this hospital ever again.

I did however get a beautiful baby girl and she is a real gem and is 8 weeks old and healthy, I am so blessed, I am physically all recovered except for the bladder issues and back pain and emotionally I have a huge road ahead of me,  doubt I will ever forget this as long as I live.

Well that is my birth story, I will blog more soon about my life with our little froggy as we call her!

2 small words Over Due, I thought it wouldn’t happen to me, I thought that my baby would be one of those first rare babies to come right on her due date and that nine months really meant nine months. Well I was totally wrong, I am now 4 days over due and going completely nuts.

Its the constant flow of phone calls from in laws and Mothers and friends asking if the baby had come yet and when you say no a twinge of disappointment appears in their voice  and the fact that I have tried all the old wives takes including raspberry tea, walking and rolling around on one of those big yoga balls trying to open up my pelvis that make me most frustrated.

Every day is disappointing. I wake up hoping to feel major contraction pains and that something about me will feel different but every morning is the same. I wake up and feel her little roll or turn and through out the day get some Braxton Hicks contractions but nothing.

I had this beautiful dream of a home birth with my Husband and I cuddled down in bed after she is born just the 3 of us, with the midwives gently coaching me on breastfeeding but instead I can now only see Joseph Brant hospital in all its sterility, with cranky over worked and under paid  nurses who are trying to cater to the needs of 10 + labouring women, epidurals being pushed upon me to make my labour go faster ( and reserach shows it can slow it down or even stop it)  to get me in and get me out like a little baby factory, belt monitoring and IV lines and all sorts of interventions that I have no desire to have.I see fake “natural advertisements” such as JB having birth balls which  are piled miles high in the ” whirl pool” that they encourage you to use which obviously can’t be used because of the fact  birth balls all piled into the tub and the fact that you would have to walk down the hall in front of other labouring women and staff to get in.  I see disease like MRSA,C-Diff , swine flu and VRE floating around and constantly having to ask every single nurse who comes to my door if she has washed her hands lately and then monitoring her or my husband monitoring her to ensure that hand washing and infection control policies are being properly followed. I feel I would have to be 100x more vigilant of the staff that come and go and I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the work needing to be done. I choose Midwives to have my home birth and little or no medical interventions. I don’t want to eat their crummy food, wear some stupid gown or plastic bracelet being tagged like a dog and I don’t want my baby tagged like a dog either.I don’t want to have to deal with bright lights, going in the car during labour and fighting the Ontario Health Care system and  then to be shipped off to some maternity ward with a room mate who I have no desire to have. Its like my own personal H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICK EXPERIENCE all because my baby will not come out as planned.

I realize that she will soon take over my life and she has plans but I am having a hard time with accepting a hospital birth. No labour and delivery nurse out there can comment on this blog promising me that it won’t be as bad as I think. I have been to the hospital myself, taken their ” TOUR”, listened to their speech and I still think its not the right place to have a baby. I have gone on 2 hospital tours and felt both hospitals are not the place to have a baby.

Hospitals are for sick people, I am not sick, I am pregnant and expereincing a normal naural event that isn’t in need of nurses and interventions, all I need simply need is a midwife who is trained in pre and post natal care and believeing that things happen naturally and informed choice is most important.

I know this frustration is steming from fear and anxiety about the birth but,  I would at least like to have control over where I can give birth and how I do it before my little Isla Bee comes into my life and turns my world upside down.

Hopefully she will come soon.

I am almost there, 3 more days till my due date and I cannot believe it! I am still suffering from the same old things, swelling and big ankles but all in all aside from making myself crazy about when this baby is coming I am pretty content to watch my tv, work on my Husbands business plan and go out with my mom after she is done work in the afternoons.

I am getting so sick of people asking me when I am going to have my baby, Its not like I am keeping her inside me on purpose infact out of everyone close to me I am sure I want her out the most! I can hardly get through dinner without our telephone rining with someone inquring as to the status of the baby and when I say ” Oh don’t worry we will call you” they seem disappointed as if thats not enough.

I feel so much pressure to have this baby but I am beginning to think she is confused. Don’t unborn babies know that du dates are guidelines?? and that it is better to be early within a safe range than late! I have this beautiful homebirth planned ( aside from my mom possibly disowning me!) and I would love to avoid an induction and do this on my own.

Has anyone else out there experienced this waiting game drama??

More soon

Annie

I am finally almost there!!! I cannot believe it and in the nick of time. My fingers and hands are numb from swelling, my feet are huge, I have cankles where my ankles used to be, I am craving sweets like no tomorrow and I am weepy. Needless to say I have had enough!!! 37 weeks and counting down to the end.

On my main topic for this post, I am so sick of people making comments about my Midwife. My whole family and a few others have made comments about the midwife being safe, how brave I am to have a midwife and go through this naturally. I am not brave!!! Lots of women have Midwives because they want more individualised care and a more personal and natural birth expierience. This doesn’t make me brave at all. SO WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR PEOPLE TO ACCEPT AND UNDERSTAND.

Birth is a very personal expereince and I have chosen a different route for myself than others, I would love to be able to tell people to keep their opinions to themselves and have you can have your baby your way and I will have my baby my way and there isn’t anything wrong with either.

My belief is that in 10 years all healthy women having normal pregnancies will have midwives and only women with issues will see OB’s.  It’s only because people don’t take the time to learn about midwives and the care they provide which is so so so wonderful that people say ignorant things about them. I encourage all pregnant women to read and educated yourself before they choose a care provider that way you will know what to expect.

Oh well thank goodness this whole preggo thing is almost over and soon I will be holding my little Isla Bee in my arms!!!

I have never regretted my choice to use a midwife to birth our baby. I believe they are the most wonderful people in the world and I always leave the office feeling really great  even if  something was off.

This past week we went to see our back up midwife. In Ontario Midwives practice in two’s one for you and one for your baby. I much prefer our Primary caregiver to our back up midwife as she has a more medical view than our primary but I have learned that they are different and accepted it. Well at this visit I was surprised to find out that our back up midwife has a student. A first 1year student.

I was happy to see a new face and smiled and then our midwife asked if she could sit in. I said sure knowing that we have all been students at one time or another in a placement and we all need to learn. I must have mis-interpreted what ” Sit In” meant because before I knew it I went from feeling really comfortale to extremly uncomfortable in a matter of minutes. The midwifery student took my blood pressure which was fine, I think it’s rather difficult to mess that up, then she went to find the baby in my belly. I am a bigger girl and I don’t think she has had any exeperience with bigger girls because she was pressing really hard on my belly and as unable to figure out where Ila’s bum was and where her head was. The midwife then took over and showed her how to tell. She then tried to measure my belly pushing really hard to find the top of the fundus. Again the Midwife took over and found it and then our midwife measured my belly saying it’s 36 cm which is great because I am 35 weeks pregnant. The last thing she did was listen to the baby’s heartbeat. She was able to find it no problem and listened. It bothered me though that the midwife didn’t check after to ensure that the student had done it correctly and just wrote down what the student had said.

I cried all the way home feeling as if I didn’t get the level or care I am used to. Also after looking at the copies of the paper work that I had filled out upon joining the midwife I had asked that students NOT be involved in my care. I am really dreading calling my primary midwife this week and requesting that the stuent only be allowed to sit in and WACTCH anf NOT TOUCH during my appointments. I know if will just feel more comfortable if someone qualified cares for me with this being my first baby and all and maybe my second time around it won’t be a problem for a student to be involved.

Augh, I am a little frustrated and it seems silly. It’s my baby shower tomorrow and yes its no surprise! but, I have a few gripes, I have been monitoring my registry online to prepare myself for the things that people arent going to buy so I will know what I still need to get. It turns out all the really important things didn’t get bought for the shower including the bath tub, tummy time mat and baby monitor and instead lots of things I have tons of got bought instead ie… blankets. I am so frustrated!!!

Another thing that bothers me is this was suppose to be a no children baby shower as a few of the elderly guests are impatient with children so it was thought it would be best of they ( meaning children) didn’t come. Now there are 5 children coming, one baby boy 6 months old, two 3 year olds and one 4 year old and a 12 year old boy who is my cousin and is VERY immature for his age ( he still cries if he doesn’t get hsi way, well I guess he will be crying tomorrow!). I am worried about the kids tomorrow messing with the decorations,presents etc….. the 12 years old boy already told his mom that he is going to help me open gifts, I am so worried for tomorrow that I will have to tell him NO because if I let him do it and then I have to let the other 3 do it. I just wanted to enjoy it for myself as all my christmas gifts this year and birthday gifts have all been for the baby! Plus I am fully capable of opening my own gifts despite my torn ligament in my rib area.

I was really looking forward to my baby shower as this is a special one, my great grandma is still alive and in my family you only get one baby shower. I know is sounds selfish and silly but I just wanted to enjoy myself and now I have to think about 5 kids, 1 who is to old to be helping open gifts and is a boy at an all girl event.

Has anyone else been disappointed that their baby shower wasn’t what they thought it would be???

I must say , I hate surprises obviously that’s why my Husband and I found out the sex of our baby so I could know what to expect.

I was visiting my cousin a few weeks ago and I happened to catch a glimpse of her calendar and it said Sunday April 5th Annie’s Baby Shower well unless she has another cousin named Annie that I don’t know about I am assuming that Annie is me. So hating surprises I confronted her about it and infact this is my baby shower day.

The next day I went out to the theater with my mom who I knew was most likely in on this. She said ” Oh we should go see South Pacific” I agreed and looking at the dates available in April noticed that April 5th was one of them. I nonchalantly said ” How about the Matinee on April 5th?” her face went a little white and she looked over at me and I broke into a huge smile ( I am a horrible liar!) she said ” How did you find out????” I laughed and said I had seen it on my cousin’s calendar. She then proceeded to say “well is that all you know” and I said yes.

About a week passed and again my mom and I were out in the car. I had mentioned that my friend hadn’t gotten her baby shower invite yet! and my mom proceeded to say ” I don’t understand Nanny sent her another one” and then she said a poop swear word and said ” Augh pretend you didn’t hear that!” I laughed and said I wouldn’t tell.

Since then I have been in on my baby shower and my mom finally told my Nanny that I know about it. But I am sure it will be wonderful all the same and I feel better knowing about it. I HATE SURPRISES and being bombarded by them although I know this is something I am going to have to learn to accept at least I can plan to wear something nice and get my hair done for the shower even though I have to play chauffer to my friend and her mom on that day that’s ok.

On another note, went to our  midwife appointment and everything looks great.

TTFN

Annie